Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
