I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Just invented taco cereal.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
And then he peed in my hair
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