i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Randomize
