I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
