Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
