Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
