i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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