sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
