Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Randomize
