I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
