New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
