My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Randomize
