Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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