i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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