I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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