I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Randomize
