Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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