You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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