Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
And then he peed in my hair
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