If i come over, it means nothing
Soap is not a condiment
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
May the power of my ass compel you!!
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
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