i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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