My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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