just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize