i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
