Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
