How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
She's not a foreskin expert like you
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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