he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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