So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
