Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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