I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Randomize
