Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Oh god it's open bar.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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