The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
