After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
