remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
