Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
