Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Come on in and take your pants off
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