So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
