MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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