I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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