I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
