i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
