If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
