I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Randomize
