Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
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