When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
