I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
