i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
