dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
