You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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