I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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