I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
