a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
