I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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