I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
