dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
