Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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