My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Is Oprah even human
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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